One day when I was 12 years old, I sat alone in a room with a man I didn't know - a man who wasn't part of my family. He asked me if I masturbated.
Let that sink in.
I'm not being dramatic or trying to shock you. This literally happened to me, and it happens to thousands of Mormon children across the world every single week. Behind closed doors, adult men interrogate kids about their "worthiness" through deeply personal questions about their thoughts, behaviors, and sexuality.
This is real. This is happening. And it needs to stop.
The Soul-Crushing Weight of "Worthiness"
If you're still an active Mormon reading this, you probably have some auto-responses kicking in right now. You might be thinking I'm oversimplifying it or leaving out important context about priesthood authority and saving ordinances.
But strip away all the religious justification, and what are you left with? A child, alone with an adult stranger, being asked invasive questions about their private life. Questions that would get that same adult arrested in any other context.
Why am I telling you this? Because worthiness culture in high-demand religion isn't just uncomfortable - it's psychologically devastating. It took me years to realize just how much damage this did to my sense of self-worth.
At the time of that interview, I was already struggling with porn addiction (yeah, at 12 - that's what happens when you combine natural curiosity with zero proper sex education and maximum shame). I was terrified of being found "unworthy." The thought of being exposed and ostracized was unbearable.
So I lied.
And that lie ate away at me for years. Every time I blessed or passed the sacrament, gave a priesthood blessing, or entered the temple, I knew I wasn't "worthy." The guilt and shame were crushing. Combined with the suicidal thoughts I was already having, worthiness culture nearly killed me.
That's not dramatic. That's just true.
Following the Money (Because It's Always About Money)
Here's the thing about worthiness culture in the Mormon church - it all leads back to control. And you know what the biggest worthiness requirement is? Paying your tithing.
To be "temple worthy," you have to give 10% of every dollar you make to the church. Make $50,000 a year? That's $5,000 to the church. No exceptions.
Think about that. They create this system where your eternal salvation depends on being "worthy" enough to attend the temple. Then they make paying them money a core requirement of that worthiness.
It's brilliant, really. Evil, but brilliant.
Breaking Free From the Worthiness Trap
If you've been damaged by worthiness culture (whether through Mormonism or any other high-demand religion), here's what you need to know:
You are worthy by default.
Let me say that again: You are worthy BY DEFAULT.
No church, no political party, no school, no job, no parent, no friend - NOBODY gets to determine if you're worthy or not. Your actions are your own and your value is your own.
Does this mean ignoring the darker parts of yourself? Hell no. We all have shadows, impulses, and parts of us that aren't exactly Instagram-worthy. The key isn't pretending those parts don't exist - it's integrating them without shame.
When you can acknowledge your whole self without needing a scapegoat (like Satan) or a savior to fix you, that's when real healing begins.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
Feel Your Feelings
Let yourself be angry. You have every right.
Grieve what was taken from you.
Face the pain instead of numbing it.
Question Everything
Why do you believe what you believe?
Who taught you these beliefs?
Who benefits from you believing them?
Reclaim Your Power
Define your own values
Trust your intuition
Stop asking for permission to exist
The Hard Truth About Recovery
Some days I wake up wishing none of this had ever happened to me. On other days, I'm weirdly grateful. This trauma has given me the perspective that helps me connect with and help others going through similar shit.
I don't know why suffering like this exists. I don't have all the answers. But I do know this:
You're not broken. You're not evil. You're not unworthy.
You're a human being with infinite worth and unique gifts to share with the world. Anyone or anything that tries to convince you otherwise can fuck right off.
If you're struggling to process religious trauma and seeking a supportive community, I've created something special. My Grounded Growth Group Meditations combine deep questioning with ambient soundscapes, creating a safe space for healing and growth. We keep groups small (max 20 people) to maintain intimacy and trust.
You can join the waitlist here for early access to booking.
Question of the Week:
What's the most fucked up thing you were taught about "worthiness" growing up? How has it impacted your life?